I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I guess that pretty much says it. I'm not tormented or anything, and it's been a whole year since i felt authentically miserable. Yeah, things are definitely okay, i don't feel so messed up, and life's definitely not a bitch. It just seems that I'm at a stalemate right now. No pressure. Inuman every week. Basketball. Pasas. And all that jazz.

An ideal day in my head would be to wake up at 7:00 in the morning, have breakfast (low-fat of course), study my stuff before afternoon class, then prep up, walk (ever since that hassle of a trike ban), sit in class, take notes, raise questions, and be on track. After that do a 5 km jog, or play basketball even though i suck at it. Then when I get home, maybe do some sit-ups, then take a bath, and play the guitar, do some leads, sing some phrases, and then get back to studying. No smoke, no fat. And then sleep at 11 pm or 10:30.

But that's it. Ewan, i think that all this is not who I am. I don't know. Do i lack focus, or have I played the end image in my head a million times that I just wanna puke it out. I have this image of being perfect, the thing that I believe that I could be.

And you better not give me that crap that no one is perfect. I just don't buy it. Not now. Not when I look at myself at the mirror.

The way I feel about it, I think I'm missing romance in my life. I've come close to experiencing it, but came up short. This is the only thing that I haven't done. I'm a total zero on that. I just don't get it. Why doesn't it happen to me? I look around and see that everywhere, it's possible. Maybe just a small taste of it. Well, yeah, there are a lot of things wrong about me, or i don't know if it's just a matter of LOOKING GOOD. If that is the standard, I guess I don't fit the cut.

Then this shit with my studies. Yeah, for most of my life, it's kept me going. But I'm sick and tired of just being good and getting the straight A. It's an all too predictable ground for me. There's nothing challenging about it anymore. It's just been there, done that.

I need love. I don't know where to get it. I can't understand how it works.

I'm a preacher who doesn't practice my words. I seem to be this know-all arbiter of human relationships. Somewhere there's always a textbook answer to any inquiry on love. I can offer advice off the top of my mouth. But it don't make me better. It doesn't make me more of the man I should be.

Am I acting on curiosity? I guess I'm just frustrated. God give me a small dick but please just don't let me walk this earth alone!

Yeah, I'm profane, i get it. But I'm just fed up with all the smoking, all the drinking, all the laugh trips, all that shit. I can't rest with people just telling me "you're a great guy, mabait ka, astig kang kasama, all that rap". It doesn't sell anymore.

Amidst all this thought of making myself better the answer seems to get more elusive. I don't have Jesus issues, I believe in going to mass on sunday, I recommend reading the bible, that music is a powerful expression of the soul, that you have to give in order to receive, that I would never do the shit that other people do to their girlfriends and boyfriends. Well, i won a quiz bee here and there, i could dribble a ball, i could crack a joke or two. I don't have trust issues, or at the very least i could open up when needed to, I ain't a goddamn drunk. I believe that a man must rest certain liberties for the sake of preserving the social order.

Man I could write a poem a hundred miles long.

But on that subject, i seem to have lost all the arguments.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.